October 24, 9:10 AM
Last night, I had the scariest run in with one really nasty Doberman Pincher
(I know the pic isn't a Doberman) that was about the size of a small donkey. I have no clue what this dogs name is, but for this story's sake...we're going to call him the most appropriate name for how he looks...Killer. This sucker is huge! With teeth, equally as huge! I've seen him before on the property, but his owner has always had him on a tightly bound chain. I've never really had to worry about Killer sinking his teeth into one of my appendages.
Until now.
This time, there was no chain. Being that the weather was incredible, I decided to walk to my mailbox to grab my plethora of bills and useless coupons. I'd gotten about halfway there when suddenly I saw Killer, almost in slow motion, come around the corner of a building. It was like he knew I was there. We both stopped for a moment as he directly stared into the depths of my soul with those beady little devil eyes. His dog lips opening to show his Great White Shark sized grill. I swear I felt like he was stealing my soul.
I made a slight move to the right, only to be countered by a growl that sounded like a cross between a lions roar and the rumble of a nuclear explosion. It actually made the ground shake I think...but more than likely that was actually just the intense fear striking shivers throughout my entire body.
My whole life flashed before my eyes in a matter of seconds. I suddenly felt remorse for anything terrible I had done in my past. I felt like I should finally admit to putting raw egg in the fruit punch at my third grade Halloween party. I think even memories of my birth may have flashed before my eyes.
A sharp bark snapped me out of my deep thought and back into action. Either Killer was inching closer or it was just my imagination, but I had to act fast before I ended up turning into the worlds tastiest kibbles and bits.
My first instinct was to turn and run like a bat out of hell, but I remembered from watching a marathon of
When Animals Attack that this would have only provoked old Killer's instincts to chase. Not good. I'm getting old and slow.
I also gave thought to reaching out a hand for him to sniff, but realized that an animal in defense mode, may take this gesture as an invitation to attack. Instead, I made my self relax, slowed my breathing, and tried to appear as calm as possible.
It worked! As I relaxed, Killer relaxed. And after a few moments, this tough guy wasn't showing his gargantuan teeth anymore. A couple of seconds later. He turned and with a very very slight whimper, peed on the corner of the building and trotted back to hell or where ever he came from.
Why am I telling you this story? I want you to learn from it, my friends. Learn this little tip on how to deal with a dangerous dog that may be lurking around the courtyard of your apartments. Relax, slow your breathing, keep your distance, and stay calm. Generally, the dog will feed off of that energy and you will escape the situation without have to scuffle with a mutt.
So the next time you have a run in with a mean dog, remember this story and how Jeff was almost swallowed whole by a dog named Killer.
Be careful, apartmentites and always have fun.
-Jeff