A fantastic way to save money and enjoy a built-in community is to share an apartment. However, a bad roommate situation can turn your dream rental into a nightmare. Finding the right person—one you click with who respects your space—can often be stressful and frustrating. When searching for a roommate, follow a list of essential steps and set clear expectations to create a solid foundation for a harmonious living situation.
Before You Begin Looking: Know Thyself
Before you even begin looking for a roommate, you should know what you will be willing to put up with. This requires knowing yourself—and being honest about your lifestyle and financial situation, as well as knowing your deal-breakers.
Your Lifestyle
Before you can find a roommate who won’t drive you crazy, you need to create a list of your lifestyle choices. If you are a clean freak and you allow someone who isn’t as pedantic about cleaning as you, you’re going to clash.
- Cleanliness: Are you the type who has to clean the kitchen as you go, or do you prefer to leave it until you finish eating? Do you mind clutter, or do you have to put everything away as soon as you finish with it? What are your housecleaning habits? Do you vacuum every day? Clean the toilets and the tubs every few days or every day?
- Noise Level: Determining noise level is a huge factor in choosing a roommate, especially if you are in college or if you work nights. A noisy roommate is not conducive to studying or trying to sleep odd hours of the day due to your work schedule. Even if your schedules mesh, do you need quiet some of the time, especially when on important phone calls or watching your favorite TV show?
- Social Habits: Are you a social drinker, love to drink a few drinks every day, or do you not drink at all? Having a roommate who likes to get a good buzz can be a problem, especially for those who don’t drink. It can also become a problem if your roommate has people over every day when you need some time to yourself.
- Work/School Schedule: Even a quiet roommate can distract you when you study. If you work from home, a roommate is often distracting. If work involves making and receiving phone calls, a roommate may interfere with your job if he or she isn’t respectful of your space. Often, finding a roommate who works a different shift can give you both more privacy.
- Personal Space: Generally, roommates share the living spaces—dining room, living room and kitchen. Your personal space is your bedroom and bathroom. A roommate should never encroach on your personal space and should keep communal living spaces neat and clean.
- Pets: If you have pets, you will need to find a roommate who enjoys pets as much as you. Some people may act as though they like pets but can turn on them, especially if a pet destroys their personal things. You also have to ensure your roommate doesn’t have allergies. On the other hand, a new roommate may want to bring a pet. You should “interview” the pet to ensure it is not destructive, as your landlord could hold you responsible for any damage caused by the pet.
- Smoking/Vaping/ Drinking: We touched on this under social habits. If you cannot tolerate any type of smoking or drinking, including vaping, you should ensure your roommate doesn’t do any of this. Keep in mind that the roommate’s friends may smoke, vape or drink and could bring those items into your home.
- Dietary Habits: Your roommate's dietary habits should match yours—or you should at least have the space for separate cooking and eating utensils if you follow a strict religious diet. You also need a roommate who respects your choices, especially if you have allergies.
- Conflict Resolution Style: How do you handle conflict? Do you meet it head-on and discuss it like adults, or do you try to avoid conflict? If you prefer discussion and your roommate prefers ignoring it and hoping it will go away, you will only create more conflict and a stressful living situation for both of you.
Your Financial Realities
While your finances are not your roommate’s business, it becomes his or her business if you cannot pay your share of the rent, utilities and food, as it can affect your roommate. He or she may be in the same boat and may not be able to afford to move again if your landlord evicts you due to non-payment or the inability to take care of your rented apartment or home.
It could also get you evicted if you can’t pay the whole amount and your roommate skips a month or two. While discussing finances may not be comfortable for some, it is imperative, especially before you allow anyone to move in with you.
Your Deal-Breakers
Almost everyone has deal-breakers. They can be minor or major, but they are things you cannot handle having in your life. Create a list of deal-breakers—if a potential roommate has a habit or a requirement that is a deal-breaker for you, you should move on to the next applicant, even if you like everything else about this person.
The Interview Process: Asking the Right Questions
Once you create a list about yourself, it’s time to convert it into questions for potential roommates. Some of the questions you should ask include:
Finances
Although you should always ask pertinent questions, you should have a way a potential roommate can prove his or her answers. You can require a copy of the last few years of tax returns, several months' worth of paystubs and his or her current employment information so you can contact the employer to verify time worked and position.
Questions you should ask include:
- What is your current employment situation?
- Are you comfortably able to afford your portion of the rent, utilities and other shared expenses?
- Is your income steady? If not, how many months can you live on your savings?
Lifestyle and Habits
Some of the questions you should ask about a potential roommate’s lifestyle and habits include:
- What is your typical daily routine? What time do you have to go to work or school?
- How late do you like to stay up at night?
- How would you describe your cleaning habit? How often do you think you should clean the bathroom? The kitchen? Vacuum?
- How often do you have friends over? How many friends at a time? Do your friends often stay over? Do you have a boy/girlfriend that stays over often?
- Do you smoke or vape? Drink? How often do you drink? How much do you drink? Preferred alcoholic beverage? Drugs?
- How do you feel about others smoking, vaping or drinking in the apartment, including shared living spaces?
- What are your past experiences with roommates? Why did you (or the other person) leave?
- How do you prefer to handle conflicts?
- Do you have good communication skills, or do you prefer to ignore issues, even when they come to a head?
- What are your hobbies?
- What do you think about current events, political or otherwise?
You can pick up on incompatibility by looking for red flags, such as a reluctance to answer questions directly and negative stories about all past roommates. Also, a person who doesn’t take any personal responsibility is a huge red flag.
If the potential roommate gives vague answers about his or her schedule or finances, that person is probably not the choice you should make, as he or she is most likely hiding issues. Also, people who focus only on themselves generally do not care or respect others, which is another big red flag.
They should also ask you questions in return. Finally, if you have differing views on various lifestyle issues, including cleanliness, noise, guests, and current events, you should move on to the next prospect, as these differing values will cause contention in the home.
Checking References
Always ask for at least three references. Be sure to speak with the references prior to allowing the person to become your roommate. References should not be relatives or close friends, as those people will only give you the good side of the potential roommate.
Setting Expectations: The Honest Conversation
Once you choose a roommate, it’s time to set expectations by discussing all of the above factors, especially those included in a roommate/lease agreement.
- Rent and Utilities: How much your roommate must pay for rent and utilities, the dates you expect payment, and whether you include utilities in the rent, and if not, how you are dividing the bill (usually in half).
- Cleaning Schedule and Responsibilities: Create a cleaning schedule, especially if you take turns cleaning the common areas, how often the roommate should clean personal areas (bedroom and bathroom), and outline all responsibilities related to cleaning and upkeep of the apartment or home, including any maintenance that the landlord doesn’t cover
- Guests and Parties: Always check your lease agreement with your landlord to ensure anything you and a potential roommate agree to doesn’t violate it. Agree on days and times for guests and whether to allow overnight guests. If you allow overnight guests, how many nights per week or month?
- Noise and Quiet Hours: Agree on times when it should be quiet in the apartment, such as after 8:00 p.m. if you sleep early, daytime hours if you work odd shifts, etc.
- Food and Shared Items: Agree on whether you will share food, who replaces food the other eats, how soon to replace food, storage space in the kitchen or a shared bathroom, and shared television time.
- Privacy and Personal Space: If you do not want a roommate in your room or bathroom, even to clean, set those boundaries.
- Communication and Conflict Resolution: You might set a time to resolve conflicts, such as within a day or a week. You can also dictate certain communications, such as how much notice you give each other before having an overnight guest or how much notice before the roommate moves out.
Drawing Up a Roommate Agreement
Regardless of who you choose as a roommate, whether it is a friend, relative or a stranger, you should always have a roommate agreement. It should include everything listed above plus any restrictions contained in your lease.
An agreement is a vital tool for preventing misunderstanding and can help resolve conflicts. Always keep in mind that even the best of friends can have conflicts while sharing a living space. A roommate agreement can help maintain friendships instead of making you enemies because of ‘he said, she said’ situations.
Avoiding Pitfalls: Ongoing Communication and Flexibility
Even if you find the perfect roommate and you have a roommate agreement, issues can and will arise, as they always do when living with someone. New issues that neither of you thought of can crop up over months or years of living together.
The key to long-term success is keeping communication lines open and a willingness to compromise on both sides.
